So, it’s been slow lately. I’ve been sick. My wife has been sick. Both of our little boys have been sick. You….you been sick? Probably…uughh! We have seen it everywhere we turn. Can’t shake it. There is no fun in being sick….I used to say if sickness was a person I’d like to mess ‘em up a bit and spit on their face. It’s true. I don’t like to be sick. So, now…..what do I do in its midst?
In reading a friend of mine’s Lenten devotional I have been reminded of when he was very ill and still wrote in his book to finish the “book” that I now get to read! He didn’t feel well. He wanted to mess up the sickness that entered his body…yet he remained true to his focus. So, I question things….I question what the Lord is up to in my life..in my heart…in my sickness – Jesus, Holy Spirit…Father God – what are you up to? What are you doing IN me?
I’m sick. I have been forced “down” to be not well and slow down! Slow down? yes…slow down and just “be”. Somehow, as I am coming out of this mess of not feeling well and wondering why we are the way we are right now – it has occurred..that the Lord just might be up to something. Something within me…something inside my heart..something in my marriage and in my home – slowness. A renewed rhythm in my midst….something my heart has truly desired all along. In speaking with a friend today he said, “you know….to be honest I just don’t know how you do it all – you are meeting yourself coming and going…all of the time!!”
I looked at him and said, “thank you”. As I was inferring to him a bit of a “thanks” for calling my bluff and calling me out –I cannot continue the facade of “making it” when I am feeling as though I am failing so often at home. It is this realization that I must move slower. What I’m saying is…my pace. My rhythm. My daily walk with the Lord. My stance with those around me. It all must move at a rhyme that makes sense and stands the tests that I need to endure…tests of sickness and the likes. You see, as I have been miserable and wondering about my family’s health lately – I have been able to step back a bit…to see that I have been home. I have been playing w/our boys. I have laughed at TV shows with Olivia. I have been with Jesus. I have eaten meals at home. What’s the norm – this temptation to do all of those….yet be present elsewhere! It is a shame…..but this week – my illness….my reminders of Jesus making his way to the Cross…Good Friday nearing….finishing Buddy’s book, praying to God, getting well after being ill, playing with my family, seeing the sunshine outside – it’s all a reminder of God’s love . It is a reminder that His spirit is revealing more and more of himself within me and to me.
Holiness. This week, for me, is about my self examination coming to the surface and recognizing the Holiness of Christ and his Holy sacrifice out of love and his Godness in all He did, does, and IS. He is Holy. I am Holy because of Him. I believe. I belong. I am moving slower – and I like it.
Rhythm.
Jesus.
Roman guard-in-me.
Holy Spirit.
Holiness from His death and His resurrection.
I belong, dear Lord. Thank you.
Blessings.
-ao
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